Detta skickar en tjej mitt i natten på Discord till min kille när han inte hört av sig på ett par dagar. Vem är hon?
My - 2026-09-10, 02:40
i ended up in all these old clip i’ve made from twitch streams, and while i was scrolling one from koyo came up. it was so unexpected and strange. i had forgotten what he sounded like, but his voice pulled me back immediately, and it made me rather emotional. but it wasn’t really because of him. i don’t think i was ever in love with him really. i have never really missed him, or thought about him like that.
and that’s what made me think about you. because with you it has been so different. i have spent so much time regretting, missing you, thinking and wondering. in some ways i have lived an entire life since and somehow there has always been this empty space in it where you used to be. but it was fine. like genuinely, i’ve made a good life for myself. i’ve been happy. it’s like having a scar, eventually you forget about it, but some days it’s like you become aware of it again, like you’re discovering it anew and it’s existence become so present.
but i had made peace with the idea that this missing part of me was something i would carry forever. like having an empty seat next to me in the bus that i knew was reserved for someone who was never going to show up. eventually you stop staring at the door, stop expecting anything. the seat is just there.
but then you came and sat down. i think that’s why this is so hard now. because i knew how that empty seat felt. what i don’t know is how to have you back and then somehow pretend that having less of you doesn’t hurt. it’s like, you finally sat down in that seat next to me for a bit, just to move two seats away. you’re still here. i can see you. i know you haven’t disappeared. but i can feel the empty space between us again. and fuck, i hate it.
twice today i’ve literally stopped in my tracks because i got this strong feeling of missing you. and wanting to write that to you. last night at 4am i was writing in my notes about you instead, because i’m trying so hard to do what i said i would. to give space and time. to not make my feelings your responsibility. to do what is best for you, even when it hurts me. and i do mean everything i’ve said. i don’t mean to pull on you just because i’m hurting. i don’t mean to put you in a position where you feel like you have to give me something you can’t right now. i realize this all seems so contradicting. and for that i’m sorry. but fuck, i miss you. i still feel the same. i feel like you are a part of my soul.
i guess telling you all of this is unfair and selfish. i really don’t mean it to be. i need you to believe that. it’s not some dumb way of asking you to fix it. i don’t want you to do anything, really. i think i just need to be allowed to say that it hurts. but i don’t think that’s inherently bad. it is just evidence of how much something means. but it still hurts.
it feels like being thirsty for years and eventually getting so used to it that you stop thinking about water at all. and then someone gives you a sip, and you suddenly remember. so that one sip is somehow so much worse than none at all, because now you know exactly what you’re missing and it’s even better than you remember. and all you can think is how you want more.
which also makes me think of that stupid experiment where they put a marshmallow in front of a kid and tell them that if they can just wait and not eat it, they’ll get another. and i feel like the fucking kid staring at the marshmallow. i understand the rules. i understand why i should wait. i even WANT to wait, because i care about what happens after this more than i care about making myself feel better for five minutes. but that doesn’t make me want the marshmallow any less, if that makes sense? and i have the emotional impulse control of a 5 y/o because all i can think is: but it’s right there. you’re right there. and i miss you.
and i guess i’m telling you all of this because i feel like i need you to know. not because i need you to say something back or change anything. you don’t really need to answer at all. i just didn’t want to keep swallowing my words. you can keep sitting two seats away.
and maybe the really fucking uncomfortable thing i’m realizing, as i’m writing all of this, is that this might be exactly why it needs to be those empty seats between us. me missing you like this. wanting to tell you. writing you looooooong paragraphs in the middle of the night because i feel my feelings so heavily. and that is something i need to relearn.
because if having you in my life means that i need to sit here and miss you without always reaching for you, i will. an empty seat between us doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. the distance doesn’t always meaning losing someone. in this case maybe it is the thing that lets me keep you.
⸻
My- 2026-09-10, 02:49
and i fucking hate that. but i mean it. if this is what it has to be like, then i’ll learn. because i would rather be on the same bus as you, two seats away…
My - 2026-09-10, 02:40
i ended up in all these old clip i’ve made from twitch streams, and while i was scrolling one from koyo came up. it was so unexpected and strange. i had forgotten what he sounded like, but his voice pulled me back immediately, and it made me rather emotional. but it wasn’t really because of him. i don’t think i was ever in love with him really. i have never really missed him, or thought about him like that.
and that’s what made me think about you. because with you it has been so different. i have spent so much time regretting, missing you, thinking and wondering. in some ways i have lived an entire life since and somehow there has always been this empty space in it where you used to be. but it was fine. like genuinely, i’ve made a good life for myself. i’ve been happy. it’s like having a scar, eventually you forget about it, but some days it’s like you become aware of it again, like you’re discovering it anew and it’s existence become so present.
but i had made peace with the idea that this missing part of me was something i would carry forever. like having an empty seat next to me in the bus that i knew was reserved for someone who was never going to show up. eventually you stop staring at the door, stop expecting anything. the seat is just there.
but then you came and sat down. i think that’s why this is so hard now. because i knew how that empty seat felt. what i don’t know is how to have you back and then somehow pretend that having less of you doesn’t hurt. it’s like, you finally sat down in that seat next to me for a bit, just to move two seats away. you’re still here. i can see you. i know you haven’t disappeared. but i can feel the empty space between us again. and fuck, i hate it.
twice today i’ve literally stopped in my tracks because i got this strong feeling of missing you. and wanting to write that to you. last night at 4am i was writing in my notes about you instead, because i’m trying so hard to do what i said i would. to give space and time. to not make my feelings your responsibility. to do what is best for you, even when it hurts me. and i do mean everything i’ve said. i don’t mean to pull on you just because i’m hurting. i don’t mean to put you in a position where you feel like you have to give me something you can’t right now. i realize this all seems so contradicting. and for that i’m sorry. but fuck, i miss you. i still feel the same. i feel like you are a part of my soul.
i guess telling you all of this is unfair and selfish. i really don’t mean it to be. i need you to believe that. it’s not some dumb way of asking you to fix it. i don’t want you to do anything, really. i think i just need to be allowed to say that it hurts. but i don’t think that’s inherently bad. it is just evidence of how much something means. but it still hurts.
it feels like being thirsty for years and eventually getting so used to it that you stop thinking about water at all. and then someone gives you a sip, and you suddenly remember. so that one sip is somehow so much worse than none at all, because now you know exactly what you’re missing and it’s even better than you remember. and all you can think is how you want more.
which also makes me think of that stupid experiment where they put a marshmallow in front of a kid and tell them that if they can just wait and not eat it, they’ll get another. and i feel like the fucking kid staring at the marshmallow. i understand the rules. i understand why i should wait. i even WANT to wait, because i care about what happens after this more than i care about making myself feel better for five minutes. but that doesn’t make me want the marshmallow any less, if that makes sense? and i have the emotional impulse control of a 5 y/o because all i can think is: but it’s right there. you’re right there. and i miss you.
and i guess i’m telling you all of this because i feel like i need you to know. not because i need you to say something back or change anything. you don’t really need to answer at all. i just didn’t want to keep swallowing my words. you can keep sitting two seats away.
and maybe the really fucking uncomfortable thing i’m realizing, as i’m writing all of this, is that this might be exactly why it needs to be those empty seats between us. me missing you like this. wanting to tell you. writing you looooooong paragraphs in the middle of the night because i feel my feelings so heavily. and that is something i need to relearn.
because if having you in my life means that i need to sit here and miss you without always reaching for you, i will. an empty seat between us doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. the distance doesn’t always meaning losing someone. in this case maybe it is the thing that lets me keep you.
⸻
My- 2026-09-10, 02:49
and i fucking hate that. but i mean it. if this is what it has to be like, then i’ll learn. because i would rather be on the same bus as you, two seats away…
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Senast redigerad av Zebel 2026-09-23 kl. 14:41.
Senast redigerad av Zebel 2026-09-23 kl. 14:41.
