Ayahuasca, tripprapport. Giants and jellyfish (OBS väldigt lång och på engelska)

Jag va i Peru tidigare i år och tänkte jag skulle dela med mig av min Ayahuasca upplevelse. Som ni läste av titeln så kommer tripprapporten vara på engelska. Jag har tagit bort uppgifter om personer och platser och ändrat namn på deltagare som dyker upp.

Substans: DMT, Ayahuasca gjord på Banisteriopsis Caapi och Psychotria Viridis. Hade en brun/rödaktig färg.
Dos: Tripp 1: 2 koppar (ca: 150 + 100 ml), Trip 2: 1 kopp (ca: 150 ml).
Ålder: 25+ Kön: Man. Vikt: 80 kg
Tidigare erfarenhet: Ingen annan psykadelika.

Background
It was a small retreat at a house near the Andese mountains. The retreat was set for 5 days, including two Ayahuasca ceremonies. We were only 4 participants in total. The day after each ceremony we had a reintegration session with the psychotherapist and shaman Euan.

Introduction
Euan had a introductory talk with all the participants. He then explained that we were all going to have our first ceremony tonight in only a couple of hours. At 19:00. It came as a big surprise. I wondered if it was enough time to get settled in and feel comfortable at the new location. Having a comfortable and secure setting is one of the cornerstones of a psychedelic experience after all. I then settled down in the thought that Euan knew what he was doing.

First ceremony - Friday September 2017
The ceremony started with everybody taking a seat in the ceremony room. Waiting for the others I meditated for about 10 minutes clearing my thoughts. The participants sat at one side of the room, one person on each of the lined up mattresses with buckets on the side. The shaman Euan and his Wife sat in front of us on a mattress of their own. They wore big brown patterned ponchos, sitting maybe 4 meters away from us. The small windows of the room were covered in knitted cloth with colorful patterns on them. It was completely dark at this hour. Euan started with some words in latin and spanish to open the ceremony. A candle was lit. One by one we were asked to come and get our cup of Ayahuasca. We sat on our knees, one by one we drank our brew and went back to our seats. When the drinking was done Euan lit a piece of pine until it gave of smoke, blowing it across the room.

Feeling a warm sensation in my stomach but not much else. The brew tasted a bit like Kombucha but with a hint of what tasted like alcohol. Maybe that's why it's called the wine of the soul. After drinking I sat back in a half lotus position, closing my eyes. After about 30 minutes and some chanting from the Euan and Nina - Euan asked each one of us how we were feeling. I felt pretty relaxed and normal. He asked if I wanted some more of the medicine and I said yes. This time I got ⅔ of a cup. 10 minutes later I was asked how I was feeling. I started to feel some distortions in my vision when closing my eyes. It was like waves running over me. Slowly the distortions started getting clearer. All of the following visions was with my eyes closed, if not stated otherwise. The first distortions were small spirals. Like fibonacci spirals. Also there was blocky patterns of lines. There was no distinct colors yet. After the second cup I felt more and more a need to puke. Still sitting up meditating. Getting tired in my back wanting to lay down. Laying down the visuals became more intense. They were moving and swirling more intensely. My stomach was getting worse but I was still feeling fine. The shaman started singing and chanting again.

For the experience to come I tried to keep a curious, accepting and none judgemental state of mind. I tried to lower my expectations and just see what the experience had to offer. I was also set in not trying to control the experience and just letting go. This is something you come across time and time again when looking for advice for psycadelic experiences.

A1. I started to see some more distinct visuals. The visions were of faces of insect like creatures. Those with pincer mouths and without. And those with several circular rows of teeth. There were also insect arms and legs around the faces in the vision. The insect visuals was alternated with symbols of snakes. Snakes looking straight at me, watching me, opening their mouth toward me. I was not scared of what I saw. It was just there.I was lying down, breathing more heavily. The visions of snakes came together with a slight feeling of loss of control over my breathing. Feeling like someone was breathing for me. Moments later if felt like someone was pulling my lower lip. Pushing both sides of the lip together and pulling it upward. I thought it was very strange. I felt like puking. And I thought maybe the visuals wanted me to puke. I sat up and grabbed the bucket. My visuals were now more intense. Still seeing a lot of insect faces. A Lot of creatures with mouths with several circular rows of teeth gaping at me. The shaman started drumming.

A2. I opened my eyes for a moment while puking. It was here my closed eye visuals (CEV) turned inte open eye visuals (OEV). I saw a lot of mouths in the bucket gaping at me. I puked. And I felt a bit better. I reach out to my side were my packet of tissues were. I opened it and wiped my mouth then layed back down again.

A3. Laying down again I felt the effects getting more intense. It was like a rush coming over me. I instinctively flinched and tensed up. Just as this happened I remembered some words from the Ethnobotanist and psychedelic explorer Terence Mckenna. He said that we instinctively want to huddle together in the fetal position when the effects of psychedelics really start. But we shouldn’t, there is nothing to worry about, you are safe. You should instead sit up straight and breath deeply with a welcoming attitude. I did just that. Sitting up with my eyes closed I now got a vision of a peruvian landscape. The sun was low in the sky giving off only silhouettes of the mountains and valleys. Together with this I there was four entities standing in front of me. Towering giants, thousands of meters tall. Their height reaching up in line with the mountains. They had humanoid like silhouettes with two arms and two legs but a slightly squared form. I call them entities because they gave off a sense of presence. I could feel them. I also felt like I was witnessing something greater than myself. The light behind them was giving off a warm feeling. The light made me feel loved. One or two of them reached down with their hand. They didn’t point but they gestured toward me. I interpreted this as we see you. It felt welcoming. The visuals of the giants only lasted for about 30 seconds to 1 minute. The visions came together with a filling, energizing feeling in my head. I didn’t reflect much on that perticular feeling just then. During the time of the visions I was getting really tired in my back, I could feel my entire body shaking. I smiled to myself, at the absurdity of the situation. The combination of the extremely clear vision with me sitting upright shaking out of exhaustion. The visions faded away and I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to see more of them.

A4. Tired I laid down again. For the next part of the ceremony I was hoping, maybe even asking to be shown the entities again. During this time I noticed a vail, a sheath in my vision. The sheath was located at a perticular space in my closed eye vision. Except for the patterns and swirls in my vision the specific faces and visuals I was seeing were now located behind the veil. They were more muddled and hard to distinguish. They would from time to time get closer to the vail and get more clearly visible. From time to time I could also see glimpses a light behind the veil. It was moving slowly within the parameters of the vail. Also sometimes getting closer and brighter, lighting up the vail like a piece of fabric. I could make out a location of the light in 3D space in relation to the vail with the way it lit up part of the vail when moving closer and farther away from it. The giants didn’t appear again. Instead I saw some new creatures. Jellyfish-like entities appeared in front of me, behind the veil. They were elongated in shape. Their jellyfish tentacles were flowing through the vail and close to me. They also seemed welcoming. They were doing something, but I couldn’t figure out what.
I started thinking about the experience, and vision of the jellyfish. It was not what I expected, but I think that was the point. I can’t choose what will be shown to me and should not wish to be shown anything in particular. I don’t get to choose. The Ayahuasca, these entities that I'm in the presence of, they/it control the experience. I wrestled with this crossroads, between thinking, hoping to be shown the giants again an and letting go and accepting whatever visuals were thrown at me. For a while I kept seeing the vail and glimpses of the light behind it. From time to time I could see it shining through. For a moment I saw something else. A magnificent bright pattern of color, glowing green changing to yellow. 0.5 seconds, then it faded back behind the veil. I was teased like this with glimpses of the other side of the vail. With different kind of visuals. I had been starting to feel more and more sick for the last minutes. It was distracting me from my visuals. I sat back up and managed to throw up again but it wasn’t enough. The feeling didn’t go away and it kept distracting me.

A5. I feel like I had plateaued and the intensity of the effects was slowly decreasing. I saw some more insect and snake visuals but nothing specific that stood out. I felt a bit sad that it was over and that I didn’t see more behind the veil. the pukey feeling of sickness also dragged down my mood at this point. At the same time I was glad that it was ending. It had been a long day, I was feeling really tired and was getting cold. I wanted to puke still but didn’t want to force it. Especially when I was starting to feel more normal and self conscious.

A6. The ceremony was over and I opened my eyes, stretched my legs. I felt a bit dizzy, but not that bad. My vision was a bit blurry and my eyes were really tired. Felt like I had been using them for a long time. Euan said we could bring our bucket with us if we tought we needed it during the night. I thought that we shouldn’t be self conscious about that. I took my bucket and headed downstairs. Went to the bathroom. Still saw some distortions/swirls in my CEV like in the beginning. There were no smears or changes to my OEV. I was just seeing patterns of spirals in the perceived texture of the floor. I brushed my teeth, felt pretty cognitively functional again. Then went to bed, still feeling sick and wanting to puke.

Second ceremony - Saturday September 2017
Like the first night. I came to the ceremony room before the others. I sat down and meditated for 10 minutes to clear my thoughts. I was thinking about keeping a curious, accepting and none judgemental state of mind. Like last time. I also tried to lower my expectations and just see what the experience had to offer. I was set in not trying to control the experience and just let go.

After my talk with Euan about my first ceremony. I felt very curious for the second ceremony. It was hard not to form expectations and hopes for the experience. I was hoping to see the other side of the vail this time. From what I’ve read, behind the vail was the so called “Tryptamine realm”. As Rick Strassman explained it this would be a third level of intensity, above the simple visual distortions and images, and even beyond the dark room with more complex visuals. This level people descripe as a place beyond the dark waiting room, a realm through a portal. A explosion of impressions - impossible to describe. Landscapes shining with rainbow colors, inhabiting strange entities and impossible geometry. Euan, expectedly mirrored what I’ve told myself. Do not expect anything, be open and let the experience guide the way.

Going into the second ceremony, in the back of my head I was a bit dissapointed at the visions of my first ceremony, even the strong visions with the giants. I was very focused on the visual aspect of the experience. Trying to remember what I was seeing. I didn’t just want to see visions, I wanted to get an insight, to be conviced.

I drank my cup and sat back down. Sitting with my eyes closed. I felt the effects quicker this time, starting slowly. The familiar spirals and linepatterns were appearing. The effects then started pretty intensely after around 30 minutes. I decided to lay down.

B1. Still having my eyes closed, seeing myself in a dark space. As the effects intensified I saw the jellyfish looking creatures like last time. This time I could also feel their presence. I got the feeling they were the Ayahuasca, they were the same as the giants but in a different form. I saw the veil separating me and the Tryptamine realm. The entities was behind the veil, floating with it’s elongated jellyfish body and tentacle arms. This time the veil was closer to me. Instead of being half a meter away it was now only a few feet away. Behind the veil I could also see a light like last time, slowly moving. I focused on my breathing and relaxed even more.

B2. I sat up. After a while I felt a slight push on my shoulders. I layed back down. When I felt and saw the jellyfish over me I realised that this same situation happened to me the first time. I was just to focused on the visuals then to realise or remember it. I could feel the jellyfish hovering all around me. It’s tentacles was moving over and around my body. It was doing something. I could feel slight pushes on my legs and arms. As if it was looking around and inspecting me. I could also feel it drawing out something, like negative “energy” out of my body to clean me and heal me. It was mostly behind the vail, poping out infront of it now and then to show itself a bit more clearly.

B3. After laying back down again the experience intensified. I noticed several seperate jellyfish. They sped up, seeming to work faster with whatever it was doing, cleansing. The movement and swirling of colors also intensified. I felt the presence of the jellyfish. I realized that the giants from the night before and the jellyfish was different forms of the same thing. It was the Ayahuasca. I could see that ontop of the jellyfish body it had a face. Almost always with big teeth. Like a grin or a smile. The face was colored in rainbow colors. At one moment it looked snakelike, the next insect like, the next the face looked like a distorted garden gnome with a big grin on it’s face. The shape of the faces and position of eyes and mouth was constantly changing. The head was sitting on top of a elongated jelly fish/ameba like body. The body was translucent but shimmered in rainbow colors. Like a water bubble with soap. The tentacles sometimes changed and looked like snakes.

B4. I felt a tug on my lower lip, a subtle feeling. Then a tug of my entire jaw. My lower jaw moved forward in my mouth. I interpreted this as a sign that I should sit up and puke. I sat up and grabbed my bucket so I could puke. Mouths were opening in the bucket. My stomach curled and I threw up. Soon after I felt a very distinct push on my shoulders.

B5. I layed down again. My breathing got deeper and stronger. Like earlier when I sat up it felt like something else was controlling my breathing. Layed down, my breathing was now so deep that it involved half my body. The ayahuasca continued it’s cleaning process. My body was making a wave motion while breathing. I could feel my body and knew where I was but It felt like I was floating in a tank of water. Shaman Euan asked us how we were feeling. When it was my turned, I answered. “I feel taken care of”. Good said Euan. I could hear him but his voice was a bit distant. I still felt my body and my position but it felt a bit numb, distant. I felt calm. The Ayahuasca was pulling in my arms a bit. Also my jaw from side to side and my neck. Was it examening me in some way? Or was it trying to tell me something. I kept relaxing and just going with the flow. I felt a entity getting closer to the left side of my face. I felt clearly like someone was blowing air on my left cheek. Maybe it wanted to tell me something. I leaned in but heared nothing.

B6. Later it pushed me on my shoulders. Clearly a sign that I should sit up again. I puked, I layed downagain. The process continued like this a couple of times. I started to get a hang of it. The visions got more and more intense. The patterns and swirling got faster. I started seeing the color of the line patterns. The clarity of the vision increased. I could see the enteties more clearly. The coloring of the faces got more and more intense in glowing rainbow colors.
One time when I sat up puking I felt disappointed. I felt like I needed to puke one more, third time but I couldn’t. The puking brought tears to my eyes. I cried a few tears into the bucket. I felt like I let the Ayahuasca down. In this moment I felt two entities coming closer to me. I got pushed/patted on one of my shoulders. A moment later I felt joy and I smiled. I didn’t smile because of the shoulder pat. I hadn’t yet had time to consciously interpret the situation. It felt like the Ayahuasca made me smile and tried to comfort me by patting my shoulder. I interpreted this as the Ayahuasca telling me that it was ok, that I didn’t have to perform and at a certain level. I just had to do my best and shouldn’t be sad.

B7. Laying back down again. I felt more pulling of my head and jaw. I was getting a bit anxious, I didn’t know what the Ayahuasca was trying to tell me. I am trying to let go but it’s hard when im beeing pulled at the same time. I started thinking about what it meant to let go of control and what the Ayahuasca wanted from me. Does it pull me because it is trying to point out that im not letting go enough? Because I think I am. Or is it trying to get me to realise that it is in control and that I should show more respect? After this I started getting anxious about the situation. And when I did I really couldn’t relax and let go.

B8. I was moving a lot, breathing in weird patterns and making some noise with my breating. I sat up, tried to puke again. Trying to relax and let the puking happen. My head suddenly turned to the right 90 degrees. I thought, if I just relax now im going to puke all over the floor. I tensely moved my head back over the bucket. I laughed it off to myself. Thinking it was weird.
During this puking session I felt like the Ayahuascas tentacles were inside my body, my stomach. The puking felt like it was the result of the snake like tentakles pulling the stuff out of me. My body convulsed more aggressibely during my puking. I still didn’t manage to puke a lot. Only a tiny amount of liquid came out. I felt a great chill going through my body as I puked. Apart from that my body was stilll warm.

B9. I turned more anxious and scared. I didn’t know what the Aya was trying to tell me. I was getting tired. I was trying to keep up and understand the situation. It took a lot of effort. My head turned back as I was sitting and my mouth opened. I felt like I didn’t have any more energy. I wanted it to stop.
Spit was hanging from my mouth together with snot. I spit in the bucket but even this action felt like a resisting action. As I did my jaw tensed up. It felt like I couldn’t do anything right to help myself. I tried just before to find my napkin to wipe my face but I couldn’t find it. I relaxed almost apathetic to my situation. Then I felt my arm getting moved away from my body. The palm of the hand was facing up in a begging pose. I didn’t do this. I interpreted the pose as a sign to ask for help. That I shouldn’t be to stubburn to try to do it myself. That it’s ok to show vulnerability. I asked for some paper. They were surpised at what I said so I repeated myself. Nina came to me and gave me some. I opened the package and wiped my face. Dropping the paper in the bucket.

I kept beeing scared. The enteties didn’t leave me alone. I kept sutley being pushed and pulled in weird direction. I then took the next step and showed actual vulnerability. I said out loud that I was scared. “Im scared. The Ayahuasca knows that im scared and it can’t heal me if im scared cause then I´m tense and can’t let go”. I asked for help, showed actual vulerability by acknowledging my fear and emotions. This didn’t make me less scared though. Euan told me it was ok, and that it was gonna pass. He and Nina started chanting again like so many times before, but louder this time. I talked some more trying to explain the situation and what was happening. Euan eventually came forward to me and patted me on the shoulder trying to calm me down. Also blowing some smoke in my face. The chanting and extra focus on me got me thinking that something was very wrong. At the same time I tried to convince myself that these things happen and I shouldn’t worry about it.

B10. I started thinking about methods they could use to help me out of the situation. Maybe some kind of medicin. It had to be something pretty drastic. They didn’t know the full extent of the situation yet. And they are shaman trained. They would probably just let the experience have it’s course. I could learn something from it after all.
Euan blew some cold water on my neck. It was nice and cooling. I was feeling quite warm. He told me to breath deeply and try to calm down. Then he told me to focus on a metephorical light in my heart. Focus with all my effort. I did it for a few seconds. I had my eyes closed and could see the light in my chest growing bigger with each breath. But the light suddenly disappeared. This was a low point for me, full of doubt. I was without hope. I asked Euan. if there was light in my heart? Yes he replied. Focus on it.
I had a long deliberation about the light in my heart. What did it mean? The technique with breathing would make me more comfortable and calm. But would it get the Ayahuasca to go away? No it wouldn’t. After I got calm I would still need to let go and let it do it’s thing. It would then be hard to trust it completely after it got me so scared.
I continued to try to calm myself down. Feeling the effects of the Ayahuasca slowly starting to wear off. I was still in a rough space. I got the idea of starting to hum to help me calm down and get into equilibrium. Music is good at influencing, that’s why the shamans use it during the ceremony. I started humming the melody of one of the ikaros he shamans were chanting. It continued humminh spontaniously. The tune turned into the United states national anthem. “The starspangled banner.” I smiled at my utter randomness of the song.

B11. A lot of thoughts were circulating in my head. I was struggling internally. Then I had a realization. My emotions is a part of who I am, acknowledging them makes me temporarily vulnerable. But this vulnerability is something that is necessary, necessary to grow and get stronger. A price I have to pay. The thought itself was nothing new. But I got a new grown assurance in the thought. This also came with a new addition. A thought that seemed to come from outside. The rationally unfounded addition of love. I thought.
“Showing vulnerability is necessary to give or receive love. Love is what people want in life. It makes us strongers and would make the metaphorical light in our heart grow. It makes us stronger so we can face our fears. That is what I need right now.”

I spoke out loud “Love is what we need. It makes us strong and calm. It is all we need”.

B12. I was still spooked. I opened my eyes like a few times during the scared part of the ceremony. I now saw the jellyfish enteties there in the room around us. Floating in the air. Though not as clear as with my eyes closed and in less intense colors. Around them was the usual swirls and patterns. The textures around me like the floor looked just as the floor usually does. Though I could see spiral patterns in the textures. The spirals did not change the actually texture of the floor.
Euan told me to close my eyes. I did.

B13. The effects were starting to wear off. I felt like I was getting more in control again. The Ayahuascas intensity and control over me was fading. Euan said some closing words and the ceremony was over. I laid down for a while to get my composure. I stretched my legs then sat up on my knees. The lights were put back on. Euan said, “I think you will be fine now. Get some headphones and listen to some music before getting to bed. This will get you more in harmony”. I stood up. Feeling really wobbly. I made a joke to lighten up the mood as I was starting to feel better. “It’s high up here, don’t want to fall down”. Nina says “Now strong steps”. Hesitating for a second as I didn’t hear what she said I lost focus of my balance. I fell backwards and sat back down. I blinked a couple of times trying to get my vision straight. The other participants had already left. I now started crawling out of the ceremony room. A wood plank fell out of the side of the step down out of the room. I got self conscious and didn’t want to embarrass myself more. I used all my effort to stand up. Then started walking, slowly. I walked to the end of the hall.

B14. I went to the room and Mitch wasn’t there. It felt a bit lonely and needed a hug as emotional support before going to bed. This felt like a reasonable request after my ceremony of accepting emotional vulnerability. I went back upstairs to Ed and Rubi´s room. The room was completely dark and I didn’t see anything. “Where is my roomy?” I blurt out. Every word taking all my effort. He was sleeping they said. I continued, “I´m more in control now and want a hug as comfort before going to bed”. Ed came out of bed and gave me a hug, Rubi also did the same. “Love is all we need” I said.

B15. Going back to my room. I brushed my teeth and went to the bathroom. I felt pretty physically and cognitively functional again. I put some music on my phone and went to bed. In bed with headphones in my ears closing my eyes I still felt some aftereffects. Surprisingly I still felt the presence of the Ayahuasca entities.
During my 1 hour of music. I thought alot about my experience. I pondered how benevolent the Ayahuasca entity really was. It would have been easy just to see it as evil after how scared it made me feel. I told myself that the process was just hard for me to understand at the moment and that I was going to write about the experience and think more about it tomorrow. Maybe it was just part of the Ayahuascas healing process. To give me some hard things to think about. I though abit about the experience and how it would effect my life back a home.

B16. As I was laying there getting ready to sleep I saw a dim light coming from outside the window next to my bed. I looked out the window and saw 7-8 strange looking letters glowing on the wall of the house next door. I couldn’t read them. It wasn’t Chinese, Japanese, Korean or any common Asian language, I saw that. I couldn’t see the signs clearly though. My eyes were really tired. I though it might just be a spanish sign and that I just couldn’t read it right now. The next morning I looked out the window when I woke up. Nothing was there, just a dry, brown stonewall. I really should have taken out my notebook and tried to scribble down the signs. The only lettter I remember from the night before was the first one.. It was a circle with small lines portruding in four directions.

Intressant! Jag har alltid velat prova men det blev inte av när jag for till Peru. Jag ville inte boka i förväg va resesiter och gynna kommersialiseringen av den heliga ritualen. Hoppades kunna hitta något som kändes genuint på plats Cusco men jag tyckte det var svårt att värdera vilka som kändes tillförlitliga. Bokade du i förväg eller på plats? Hur resonerade du när du valde? Vilket retreat valde du? Skulle du rekommendera det?

Har upplevelsen ändrat/påverkat din livsåskådning och prioriteringar? Är det något du tnker eller gör annurlunda i ditt vardagliga liv efter upplevelsen?

Japp, jag bokade i förväg. Använde https://ayaadvisors.org/ faktiskt. Tittade säkert igenom ett 30 tal retreats väldigt nogrannt, just i Peru. Man får leta lite men tillslut hittar man något som ser bra ut.

Letade först och främst efter ett som hade en shaman som kunde engelska, vill inte sitta där och känna att jag inte blir förstådd. Även ett med den klassiska Ayahuasca blandningen, endast Banisteriopsis Caapi och Psychotria Viridis. Valde bergsretreat istället för djungelupplevelsen. Det var tillräckligt med nya okända variabler ändå kände jag. Ville inte lägga på nojja i djungeln med alla djur, ljud och allt sånt på allt annat.

Hade mailkorrespondens med ett par ställen. De flesta seriösa ställena verkar skicka en del frågor för att kolla om du är lämplig. Mycket frågor om ditt medicinska tillstånd och nuvarande medicinering som kan gå dåligt ihop med Ayahuascan. (Främst handlar det om medicin som påverkar/stimulerar antingen serotonin eller adrenalinreceptorer. Kan vara SSRI medicin eller något litet som nässpray med Efedrin.) Retreatet jag valde skickade mig 15-20 frågor. Frågor om min bakgrund, tidigare erfarenhet av psykadelika, filosofiska och spirituella åskådning etc. Vill inte skriva namnet på retreatet här men PMa mig så kan jag skicka lite mer information.

De flesta retreats jag kollade på i Peru går på runt 6.000-10.000 SEK om jag minns rätt. Då ingår det ofta 2-4 Ayahuasca cermonier, varierar från 4-9 dagar.

För den som är nyfiken och har lockats av Ayahuasca länge. Den som vet vad de ger sig in i, absolut skulle jag rekommendera det. Men läs på och gör er research, håll dieten undvika medicinska interaktioner. Stay safe people.

Har upplevelsen ändrat eller påverkat mina prioriteringar. Jag tror det är för tidigt att säga. Nej, inte just nu iaf. Så starkt övertygande va inte upplevelsen men den har givit mig en hel del att tänka på.